Always wanting what I cant have..

I have always wanted what I couldn't have. For as far back as I can remember... And now today... I sit in my cold basement, looking at the temporary bed (couch) that I will lay my lonesome head down... I miss someone that was probably as good as it gets. Or so I feel. Lately I cannot escape my memories of him, he is there in my mind everywhere. Mostly when I'm with my sister, I remember all those feelings I had of wanting to be with him forever and starting a family, just like hers. When I see a little house with a white fence I think of him. When I think of getting a dog I think of him. I always knew these feelings were there when we were together but I thought they were just lies. Rebound, is what I passed them off as. Rebound? Really? Couldn't I just accept the fact that is was love? No, I was to afraid. To guarded, to protected. What an idiot. I cry sometimes at night because I feel guilty, bad that I have put him through so much pain. So much hurt. I broke his heart and he let me know it. And now, mine breaks.... bleeds. I want to contact him soooo bad but I will suffer through my pain and let him move on. Move on to someone who can give him EVERYTHING, and not when its to late. And after I lick my wounds I too will move on...


I will cast my eyes on you God, Heal my wounds ...

Sober Sets In

Well here I sit 3 days in of being Sober. So far so good, Monday night was good I kept pleanty busy by going on a date with a nice guy I met and had a great time. Today was fine because I worked all day. Tonight. Well its just begining. Its 830 pm and I'm going to meet some girlfriends at TGI Fridays. I did notice today I had trembles. like my hands were shaking... and I couldnt stop it. I also realized how selfish drinking is. I've been harboring alot of anger towards my father. (sorry if your reading this) My poor mother has already had enough troubles with drinking problems starting at a very young age that lasted long into her 20's and 30's with her brother and her own father. And now, she sits here in her 40's dealing with it from him? Taking in no consideration of this what so ever. Not even hearing a word that comes out of her damn mouth. I'm starting to wish I had the guts to say something myself, I guess I'll save that for when I've got my own plank out of my eye. I pray nightly for My Mommy and Daddy... God will take care of this.. He has to before someone else does.....


Day 2 and 3 of sober: Realization of anger and "the shakes" and starting to get a strong desire for a ice cold beer.......

Can you find a friend in an empty beer bottle?

Wikipedia says "Alcoholism is a term with multiple and sometimes conflicting definitions.
In common and historic usage, alcoholism refers to any condition that results in the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages despite health problems and negative social consequences. Modern medical definitions[1] describe alcoholism as a disease and addiction which results in a persistent use of alcohol despite negative consequences"

..... Its been 3 whole months of going out every night and drinking (not jus a drink but drunk).. with maybe a 2 or 3 days of "sober" thrown in. When I say this, SEVERAL excuses run through my head, Excuse #1 "I couldn't do ne thing 'fun' with David, so I'm jus makin up for lost time" Excuse #2 "I jus wanna have fun, besides I have a hold on it" Excuse #3 "Why not? Ill stop as soon as..." Excuse #4 "I don't wanna miss out" Excuse #5 "I can't let my friends down" My friend J recently challenged me to 3 whole weeks without drinking (if I do he'll take me to a Rockies game with Blues (blue moon) and nachos all on his tab), "3 whole weeks really?... sure... I can do it" After those words came out my mouth I started to have a slight panic attack. Then it started getting me thinking, "what the hell am I doing? Can I not see what path I'm leading down? Do I not see the shit its putting my parents thru with my dad drinking? Or how about my brother? Shit how about my Lately passed Grandfather? Or his son, my mothers brother? What the Hell am I DOING?" and you know what I wanted to do? (and did do) drink. Today at work my coworkers were talkin about being sober and alcoholism (one in particular had a drinking problem and did the whole AA thing) and he said this "most the time the drinking isnt the problem, the problem is what the drinking is covering up" Those words echoed thru my *slightly dizzy maybe still drunk?* head, problems? me? Hah!..... WHERE do I begin? My motivation for wanting to move out has been on an all time high partly because of how awkward its become here at home. I want to get on my feet and be on my own... be able to deal with my problems and not let the household problems tare at my heart too. I'm afraid of what my sober thoughts will be over the next 3 weeks. I'm afraid to be alone (found comfort and companionship in a beer bottle, along with all the "friends" it brings) I'm afraid to face the music, real life. And I'm afraid to face the gaping cut of problems I've band aided up with drinking...





First Night of Sober: Realization of the fear of being alone and "missing out"



To be continued....