The Stepping Stone Left Behind

I feel like I'm being left behind... Both my best friends dropped a big one on me. Melissa is having a baby in December and Tiffany is getting married next year. I am so happy for both of them and so happy that I get and have gotten to know them personally over the past few years and get to watch them grow up. I love them both to pieces and think they are both wonderful girls and would you believe they have been there and helped me with so much. and have had my back with more then i could ever ask for. But at the same time I cant help but let my self feel a little outta touch, I'm starting to wonder if God has someone out there for me. When is it my turn to get married and have children (kinda think I'm ready)? Or am I supposed to be the stepping stone in life. Which is how Id describe my life and my purpose, the stepping stone. I've helped people get through important things in their life and watched them leave afterwards. I've been the "mutual friend" people tell you how they met. I've helped make best friends and lovers. I've just always been that girl to help you along the way. And I've accepted it. I always knew that I was here to help people, I always wanted to be that person. But I'm kinda thinking, when is it my turn? lol when Can I met my future? Oh well... I keep praying To Jesus that he'll lead me where I'm supposed to go and know that He'll be my stepping stone...

This weekend

This weekend was fun. Thursday my little sister and her son came up and we spent most the day together. It was good to see Cayden. Hes such a cute little boy. Very Boy. When he sees or hears a "momo" or motorcycle he just drops everything and looks for it. Its really cute. Cayden is probably the only boy in my life I can stand. He can say my name (kinda it sounds more like gigi) but its still cute. Then Friday night was a blast. No one really wanted to come downtown except for My brother and Michelle and would u belive it, we had a real good time. On friday during work I realized I need to be more mean to the people who cant appreciate me or respect me (this kid I work with told me I need to start being mean) and hes right, I really let people walk all over me sometimes. It makes me angry. Saturday night was great too my sister and brother in law came down town and actually had a good time and so did I. My cousin from Las Vegas was there as well so it was quite a reunion. All together the weekend went great. Now to start a new week.

Always wanting what I cant have..

I have always wanted what I couldn't have. For as far back as I can remember... And now today... I sit in my cold basement, looking at the temporary bed (couch) that I will lay my lonesome head down... I miss someone that was probably as good as it gets. Or so I feel. Lately I cannot escape my memories of him, he is there in my mind everywhere. Mostly when I'm with my sister, I remember all those feelings I had of wanting to be with him forever and starting a family, just like hers. When I see a little house with a white fence I think of him. When I think of getting a dog I think of him. I always knew these feelings were there when we were together but I thought they were just lies. Rebound, is what I passed them off as. Rebound? Really? Couldn't I just accept the fact that is was love? No, I was to afraid. To guarded, to protected. What an idiot. I cry sometimes at night because I feel guilty, bad that I have put him through so much pain. So much hurt. I broke his heart and he let me know it. And now, mine breaks.... bleeds. I want to contact him soooo bad but I will suffer through my pain and let him move on. Move on to someone who can give him EVERYTHING, and not when its to late. And after I lick my wounds I too will move on...


I will cast my eyes on you God, Heal my wounds ...

Sober Sets In

Well here I sit 3 days in of being Sober. So far so good, Monday night was good I kept pleanty busy by going on a date with a nice guy I met and had a great time. Today was fine because I worked all day. Tonight. Well its just begining. Its 830 pm and I'm going to meet some girlfriends at TGI Fridays. I did notice today I had trembles. like my hands were shaking... and I couldnt stop it. I also realized how selfish drinking is. I've been harboring alot of anger towards my father. (sorry if your reading this) My poor mother has already had enough troubles with drinking problems starting at a very young age that lasted long into her 20's and 30's with her brother and her own father. And now, she sits here in her 40's dealing with it from him? Taking in no consideration of this what so ever. Not even hearing a word that comes out of her damn mouth. I'm starting to wish I had the guts to say something myself, I guess I'll save that for when I've got my own plank out of my eye. I pray nightly for My Mommy and Daddy... God will take care of this.. He has to before someone else does.....


Day 2 and 3 of sober: Realization of anger and "the shakes" and starting to get a strong desire for a ice cold beer.......

Can you find a friend in an empty beer bottle?

Wikipedia says "Alcoholism is a term with multiple and sometimes conflicting definitions.
In common and historic usage, alcoholism refers to any condition that results in the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages despite health problems and negative social consequences. Modern medical definitions[1] describe alcoholism as a disease and addiction which results in a persistent use of alcohol despite negative consequences"

..... Its been 3 whole months of going out every night and drinking (not jus a drink but drunk).. with maybe a 2 or 3 days of "sober" thrown in. When I say this, SEVERAL excuses run through my head, Excuse #1 "I couldn't do ne thing 'fun' with David, so I'm jus makin up for lost time" Excuse #2 "I jus wanna have fun, besides I have a hold on it" Excuse #3 "Why not? Ill stop as soon as..." Excuse #4 "I don't wanna miss out" Excuse #5 "I can't let my friends down" My friend J recently challenged me to 3 whole weeks without drinking (if I do he'll take me to a Rockies game with Blues (blue moon) and nachos all on his tab), "3 whole weeks really?... sure... I can do it" After those words came out my mouth I started to have a slight panic attack. Then it started getting me thinking, "what the hell am I doing? Can I not see what path I'm leading down? Do I not see the shit its putting my parents thru with my dad drinking? Or how about my brother? Shit how about my Lately passed Grandfather? Or his son, my mothers brother? What the Hell am I DOING?" and you know what I wanted to do? (and did do) drink. Today at work my coworkers were talkin about being sober and alcoholism (one in particular had a drinking problem and did the whole AA thing) and he said this "most the time the drinking isnt the problem, the problem is what the drinking is covering up" Those words echoed thru my *slightly dizzy maybe still drunk?* head, problems? me? Hah!..... WHERE do I begin? My motivation for wanting to move out has been on an all time high partly because of how awkward its become here at home. I want to get on my feet and be on my own... be able to deal with my problems and not let the household problems tare at my heart too. I'm afraid of what my sober thoughts will be over the next 3 weeks. I'm afraid to be alone (found comfort and companionship in a beer bottle, along with all the "friends" it brings) I'm afraid to face the music, real life. And I'm afraid to face the gaping cut of problems I've band aided up with drinking...





First Night of Sober: Realization of the fear of being alone and "missing out"



To be continued....

23 years OLD

Well here I sit on my 23rd birthday alone. Literally. The house is quiet with only the sound of my way over due laundry spinning in the machine. I was in no way excited about this birthday, mostly because its nothing to special and also because I really hadn't planned anything to do. Besides for lunch with Tiffany. I remember when wakin up on your birthday was so exciting. Mom would always hang our happy birthday banners in the kitchen and every year we would sign them, No banner this year. Mom is out helpin my sister come home (yay!!! Cant wait to see them!!) and dad is working. I think this birthday is hard because I feel like I have nothing to show for my life. I just broke up with "man" (as I like to call him) about 1 and half months ago, Its weird cause maybe 6 months ago I was lookin at wedding dresses... Wedding Dresses!!!!!!! And here I sit alone. on my 23rd Birthday, not even the slighest bit close to being a married woman... I did however decided that I will go back to school this fall and finish with hopefully a degree in teaching.. or IT as dad would so have me do. Well please dont feel sorry for me with this blog. I am a happy blessed 23 year old with a loving family who I would gladly lay my life down for. I have a great Job with new friends that I am making. I am very happy and very blessed. Besides my heavenly Daddy is celebrating with me today :)

Ps thanks momma butt for having me!! :D LOVE YOU

Calling

Today I was tired. SOOOO tired. I made it thru work. I made it on the drive home.. I made it thru dinner. then I went to lay down and crashed. I kept tellin my self I'm going to church tonight and I was destined to go. Then I fell asleep. But you know whats so funny? God works in crazy ways. I was awoken to my friend Jett callin me at 6 for no reason just to say hi. I thought hey I'm up I should go... o wait no gas to drive. Momma let me take the car. SO I went to church and had the most amazing wake up call there. God wanted me there. I was feelin so alone. Like everyone in my life was fake or like I had abandoned the good ones. I was starting to feel like I was comin to the end, I was feelin really sad lately but tonight at service, God was like HEY! I'm here with you, I have been here silly lady! And I was so overwhelmed by it all that I just sat there and let the tears fall down. 2 years of real tears being held in came streamin down my face and I just let God hug me, take care of me there in that moment. No one around me mattered, no outside world mattered. It was just me, God and the pastor. Reminding me to push on. That there is so much more living I have to do. That I have a purpose and I'm getting really close to figuring it out. God is GOOD! and so loving. It sounds silly but the only way I ever want to express it is to go get like a million tattoos screaming Gods love for me and the world. Weird huh? lol. Untill then!

PS

Something to remind you of the beauty that can be found in the world.

Work in progress

Its been really easy for me to turn off my heart and brain... which can be good at time but most, not really. I dont know when this started to happen or how I learned to do this but right now it scares me. How can I ever begin to allow myself to love someone? When as soon as things get "scary" I turn them both off? I've been struggling to find my God again. So easily tempted by things of this world. So easily distracted. My wanted focus has been this: figuring out what I can do to change my dating habits. meet mr right? My reality Focus has been this: Drinking.
I'll firgure something out soon... Just another work in progress!

Back Burner

I know I know, its been awhile.. I think I started about 3 different sites at once and this one got pushed back a little. Sorry! Not really much time to type to much gotta work in about an hour and I'm cookin a pizza. I broke up with *man* (no names needed) and lifes been... interesting... I got into Photography with *man* and started a deviant art site. Visit me @: http://katesgr8life.deviantart.com/. its fun. The break up has been hard at times. He manages to break my heart with sympathy galore and it hurts to hear how hard hes takin it. He cries and that hurts the most. Knowing that I have the power to rip a heart out hurts more then I'd imagine. But I wont let that get in the way of finding out what I want from life and finding out about me.. which is the main reason we broke up (that and the fighting every other day, no exageration) so I refuse to be with him despite all the heart manipulation and sadness I've caused I cant be with someone out of sympathy. He's just gotta learn to be strong because we all have been there. Other then that I've managed to dig my pocket deeper into debt with all the "fun" i'm having. I'm workin more to get some money.... I've made the decision to take a class in the summer at front range depending on my move situation (ie. if I'm moving) I keep prayin to God that he'll lead me to where I'm supposed to go and am patiently waiting... Untill then!!!